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Name: karen
Birthday: 1/17/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: God, chillaxing with homies, movies, bubble tea, dancing, laughing, summer, singing, AIM, swimming, bball, running, having a great time, meeting new ppl ;P
Expertise: procrastinatioN & makin a fooLz outta myseLf =)
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  huyourgrl
Member Since:
8/4/2002
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| a whole semester has flown by and i haven't written much on xanga..nor have i checked on other people's xangas to see what is going on. i don't know what to say anymore on xanga..especially since i keep a written private journal to God almost daily. AND i am a bad story teller..i have finally come to admit that to myself. looking back on my past entries..i feel so ridiculous and immature, ha. but it is always good to reflect back and see how much you have grown as a person. especially since another year is passing by. i am a senior now. in college. 3.5 years of college have passed. it is mind-boggling to see how FAST time goes. and even when you try to capture the moments or think you are stuck in those moments, they still leave with a blink of an eye. i was just watching some home videos last night with my family. fortunately as a kid, my daddy was really into the camcorder stuff, so we caught a lot of "cute" moments. while my family and i were sharing many laughters together watching the videos, a feeling of sadness came into me as well. i see a glimpse of what my past used to be. the old house. the junky car. how my parents worked their way up from two suitcases. i'm just reminded of the sacrifices my parents had to make for my sister and me. that they do everything because of my sister. because of me. and it is not an easy thing to comprehend. and don't get me wrong, i am not ashamed of my past. but knowing or having an idea of how my parents worked their butt off for me motivates me to work hard in life. and similarly, that is exactly what God did for us. He sent His one and only son, making that sacrifice, so that we can live a fuller life. so no matter what i do, do it with a passion and don't settle for mediocrity. another thought that came across my mind was just the stages that a human goes through in life. from an infant to a toddler to a kid to a teen to a young adult to an adult. how we used to lead this carefree pure life. and as we grow older, that image is shattered. we become worrisomed. polluted. distressed. cautious. undaring. complicated. i miss that. i just want to go back for a little bit and be a kid again. and so another year is gone. a year older. wiser? maybe. stressful one indeed. but good. :) goodbye 2oo7. hello 2oo8. this year is going to be pretty life-changing. i feel it! | | |
| i took this excerpt from Desiring God by John Piper. i haven't touched this book since the beginning of the summer and i am picking it up again..and wow, i really felt like God was trying to say something to me. to be honest, i have been struggling to know God at an intimate level this summer. i feel like i have been dead in the past several months..and it sucks. and to realize now that i might have been doing things in vain, i desire to change. i am greatly encouraged. i am given hope. to move and press forward. if you get a chance and feel the same way, take the time to read this.
"now what does this imply about the feast of worship? surprisingly, it implies that worship is an end in itself. we do not eat the feast of worship as a means to anything else. happiness in God is the end of all our seeking. nothing beyond it can be sought as a higher goal. john calvin put it like this: 'if God contains the fullness of all good things in Himself like an inexhaustible fountain, nothing beyond Him is to be sought by those who strike after the highest good and all the elements of happiness.'
if what transforms outward ritual into authentic worship is the quickening of the heart's affections, then true worship cannot be performed as means to some other experience. feelings are not like that. genuine feelings of the heart cannot be manufactured as stepping stones to something else.
for example: my bother-in-law called me long-distance in 1974 to tell me my mother had just been killed. i recall his breaking voice as i took the phone from my wife: 'johnny, this is bob, good buddy. i've got bad news...your mother and dad were in a serious bus accident. your mom didn't make it, and your dad is hurt bad.
one thing is for sure: when i hear news like that, i do not sit down and say, 'now to what end shall i feel grief?' as i pull my baby son off my leg and hand him to my wife and walk to the bedroom to be alone, i do not say, 'what good end can i accomplish if i cry for the next half-hour?' the feeling of grief is an end in itself, as far as my conscious motivation is concerned.
it is there spontaneously. it not performed as a means to anything else. it is not consciously willed. it is not decided upon. it comes from deep within, from a place beneath the conscious will. it will no doubt have many by-products--most of them good. but that is utterly beside the point as i kneel by my bed and weep. the feeling is there, bursting out of my heart. and it is an end in itself.
grief is not the only example. if you have been floating on a raft without water for three days after a shipwreck on the ocean and a speck of land appears on the horizon, you do not say, 'now to what end shall i feel desire for that land? what good end should now prompt me to decide to feel hope?' even though the longing in your heart may give you the renewed strength to get to land, you do not perform the act of desire and hope and longing in order to get there.
the longing erupts from deep in your heart because of the tremendous value of water (and life!) on that land. it is not planned and performed (like the purchase of a plane ticket) as a means to getting what you desire. it rises spontaneously in the heart. it is not a decision made in order to...anything! as a genuine feeling of the heart, it is an end in itself.
or consider fear. if you are camping in the boundary waters of minnesota and waken in the night to the sound of snorting outside and see in the moonlight the silhouette of a huge bear coming toward your tent, you do not say, 'now to what end shall i feel fear?' you do not calculate the good results that might come from the adrenaline that fear produces, and then decide that fear would be an appropriate and helpful emotion to have. it is just there!
when you stand at the edge of the grand canyon for the first time and watch the setting sun send the darkness down through the geological layers of time, you do not say, 'now to what end shall i feel awe and wonder before this beauty?'
when a little child on christmas morning opens his first gift and finds his 'most favoritest' rocket, which he has wanted for months, he does not think, now to what end shall i feel happy and thankful? we call a person an ingrate when words of gratitude are dutifully forced instead of coming spontaneously from the heart.
when a five-year-old enters kindergarten and starts getting picked on by some second-graders and his big fourth-grade brother comes over and takes his side, he does not 'decide' to feel confidence and love welling up in his little heart. he just does.
all genuine emotion is an end in itself. it is not consciously caused as a means to something else. this does not mean we cannot or should not seek to have certain feelings. we should and we can. we can put ourselves situations where the feeling may more readily be kindled. we may indeed prize some of the results of these feelings as well as the feelings themselves. but in the moment of authentic emotion, the calculation vanishes. we are transported (perhaps only for seconds) above the reasoning work of the mind, and we experience feeling without reference to logical or practical implications.
this is what keeps worship from being 'in vain.' worship is authentic when affections for God arise in the heart as an end in themselves. in worship, God is the dreaded voice on the phone. God is the island on the horizon. God is the bear and the setting sun and the 'most favoritest' rocket and the mother who gave it and the big, strong fourth-grade brother.
if God's reality is displayed to us in His Word or His world and we do not then feel in our heart any grief or longing or hope or fear or awe or joy or gratitude or confidence, then we may dutifully sing and pray and recite and gesture as much as we like, but it will not be real worship. we cannot honor God if our 'heart is far from Him.'
worship is a way of gladly reflecting back to God the radiance of His worth. this cannot be done by mere acts of duty. it can be done only when spontaneous affections arise in the heart. and these affections for God are an end in themselves. they are the essence of eternal worship. saint augustine said it like this: the highest good is 'that which will leave us nothing further to seek in order to be happy, if only we make all our actions refer to it, and seek it not for the sake of something else, but for its own sake.'" --john piper
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| hi all,
i just got in from a very eventful yesterday from the shore to samyu's humble abode to annie's house in plainsboro and this morning, back to my crib in livingston. and there are some things that i realized about jersey while i was commuting around:
1) i am just amazed at how much "green" there is down south..well not that south, only an hour away. but so much green compared to here, which is just all houses and buildings..one after another.
2) when i picked up annie and we went down 18 south to point pleasant, i was just amazed at how cheap the gas was!! i was so excited like you guys have no idea..only $2.79 for regular?!?! omgosh, i was so happy! it is already $3 up here.
3) if you live only FIVE minutes away from the shore and do not know where it is, you do not deserve to live at the shore..seriously. i'm not kidding. move somewhere else.
4) i am kind of mad at the shore right now because it stole my promise ring that my mom gave me for my 20th birthday. =( nevertheless, i cannot be mad at it too long because i heart the shore.
5) i left at almost 9am from annie's house this morning and i was driving up on turnpike..and i noticed the surroundings around me. as soon as i got close to exit 15W, i could see the NY skyline from a distance and i felt the sense of home. i felt the sense of "belonging." so unusual how i equate the city with me being close to home. and moreso since it is NY while i live in dirty jersey.
6) i cannot canNOT stand rubberneckers. really gets me so aggravated. i was THIS close to home..and then all of a sudden, i just breaked.
7) all in all, i heart jersey. i am a jersey girl. there is nowhere else i would rather be. ;)
have a great saturday! ;]
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| so it is weeeeeeee in the morning of the night..if that makes any sense. but i was just looking at some old entries i posted and came across this one..which was written not too long ago. and i wanted to put it up again..because i needed to remind myself some things and maybe you guys can see eye to eye.
jun 29, 2006:
hmmm..so i was talking with tina last night and i think what
she said was very true and it really hit home run for me. as i look at
the different relationships i have been in..from a daughter to a friend to a
sister to a girlfriend..i have realized that the different relationships that
we make and break in life..if that person means//meant so much to you, you
cannot forget about what he/she made you feel when
you were with that person. and that is why in the end, you cry yourself
to sleep because you miss being with that person and miss how he/she made you
feel. i am glad that i am human and that God has given me the gift of
"feeling." whether we experience a roller coaster ride
of joy and laughter to pain and despair in life..these emotions are all gifts
from God. i think the greatest loss in life is feeling numb...apathetic...nothing.
there is no growth or challenge when one feels nothing at all. and
i choose to feel happy and sad because i
am human. i am thankful for the emotions that we experience in life.
God made me this way. and of course in the will of God, it is how you
deal with the circumstances that you have been placed in and how you deal with your emotions that come along with them that determines character. God
redeems me completely from my troubled spirit. it does not even matter
what kind of circumstance i may be in. so i guess i just wanted to let
you guys know that it is OKAY to feel good some days and crap some
others..it is how you handle your situation that propels your character
to the next level or not. nevertheless..i still agree with the saying
"walk in wisdom, not emotions" meaning do not allow your emotions dictate who you are and who you become. you dictate it and make of it. it is all about what you do with your emotions and how you handle your emotions. and so i want to end with
this entry that my sister wrote last summer and i could not have agreed with
her more. (some parts were a bit abstract for me..but for the most part..i got out of it what i needed to get out of it.)
"so as i once said to my friend 'i feel therefore i am real.' i am telling
you. nothing matters in this world if you don't feel anything. feel something-
pain, hatred, love, grace, thankfulness, sympathy. whatever you do, don't leave
this world without doing that because then you'll feel once again robbed of
some great treasure...and that treasure is the gift of life. so many people
are living but dead. you have to feel to live.. you have to wake up one of
these days and smile at the towering sunshine flying through your bedroom
windows. you have to cry and cry and cry yourself to sleep as the rain falls
and the lightening bolts explode and the thunder drowns out your scream in the
blank walls of your room underneath the dreary night sky. if you can love, then
love. if you are jealous, then be jealous. and it's all about finding the right
people you connect to. that doesn't mean the person necessarily understands
every part of you. but that the person knows a vulnerable and raw part of
you... a part of you that only belongs to you and nobody else. in the end, it
doesn't matter. it doesn't matter how things are now. it doesn't matter what
you did or what somebody else did. all that matters are the memories. the
way somebody made you feel. and these feelings are the most precious
things we have. they're trapped inside snow globes... in a place
where our memories are confined by the walls of our past. we can shake our
snowglobes and the past will come alive always in you and only you. and to
release these memories during cold winter nights... keeps the fire in
your life burning. the will to live. to dare to hope. to dream... that for
an instant, there is more meaning to life than what i'm actually writing about
or what people talk about all the time."--sophia
i also inserted this part that wang had to say about the entry. "i like the thought that it's all a blessing that we feel so much. that
we feel pain, FEAR, love, joy. it's all a gift. you know what stuck in
my mind since sunday's sermon was what PT was saying about the idea
that if Christ has the ability to make things happen in an instant,
then why doesn't he take away all the bad things we feel? to me the
answer didn't seem obvious, but he said it's obvious that if there was
no "bad" in life, then how can we conquer fear if there were no fear to conquer?
or better yet, how can we feel the comfort of God if we never run into
any trouble to get past? amazing." -irene wang
without a doubt, the times you encounter rough waves, you choose to be sad or to be indifferent. when something happens to be going your way, you choose to be happy or to be content. you choose to feel what you want to feel. but no matter what, do not choose to be apathetic. numb. emotionless. inhuman.
and i miss taiwan.
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| so it is the end of another year. i cannot believe that we are seniors now.
right now, i am finally catching a breath from i don't know when..but i feel like i'm always so busy and don't really get a chance to reflect..maybe just recently with finals and hanging out with people.
junior year..don't know what to say. it went by really quick..seriously, every year just gets faster and faster, heh. but it was a good year. while it was an arduous year, i would have to say that this year has been the best year of all three years i have been at rutgers. i grew distant with some and grew closer with others. there were struggles encountered and overcomed. and i know i'm a confrontational person..and it may come off being intimidating so sorry if i did that to you!
as for small group..wow what an awesome year! i think when you share the same common passion with the other people and your coleader, it makes the group 10 times better. honestly..with the stressful academic workload i had, i looked forward to small group every tuesday nights knowing the girls would be there to put a smile on my face. =) that is key i think. no matter where you serve in a ministry, it is definitely important to share the same passion and goal. it does not matter if only one person cares or desires to see the ministry grow..everyone has to share that same vision to REALLY honestly see a change, an impact, a difference. and i think working with angela..working with someone who was so passionate about doing what she did and being committed to this service and having the same desire as me..really made us fall in love with what we were doing, appreciate sisterhood, and not really see this service as an obligation. so all in all, i was very blessed by my coleader and my sisters in Christ.
as for discipleship..thanks daniel for having this vision in our ministry. not only for me, but definitely for many others, i think many people's spiritual lives and intimacy with God were stirred up. i know for my little group of 3..we started out not knowing much about each other..but by the end of the semester, we knew a lot about each other and can share very intimate things..and really kept each other accountable in our walks with the Lord. and i definitely cannot wait until next year when we can grow together more! ;D
and prayer meeting. oh man, it was so hard to get up in the morning and i think one time, i walked in and was like i cannot do this and went back to sleep. sorry stephen. but i'm glad that someone else had the desire to want to get up early in the morning and begin and commit the day with and to the Lord. the discipline was definitely very challenging, but to have another brother encourage you to grow made it easier for me to get up early in the morning to commune with God. thanks stephen, your a great brother. but prayer, itself, is definitely something that i need to work on more since it is quite lacking in my life.
and friendships. i lost some and gained some. it is very sad to see people come and go in your life..but i guess that is just the way it has to be right? just for the record, i do grieve when someone is not so close to me anymore. i know that i have had this conversation with several of you guys. i am still thinking about that..you still have to give all yourself away even if one day later on down the road, you two might not be friends anymore..but you still have to be content and satisfied in knowing that he/she was placed in your life at a certain time for a purpose that only God knows why. and not to regret that you did give yourself away and that you were vulnerable with the other person.
and to the class of 2oo7: i will miss you guys terribly! thanks for all you guys have done..cannot believe we are on our own now. and i wish you guys the best in the future and come back to visit us. don't be strangers.
with that said, i'm kind of just at a state of confusion and uncertainty. but at the same time, excited. not sure what next year will bring..but do know that it is our last year..well not for me, but the most of us. and we gotta take every minute, day, opportunity into our hands, embrace them, and see how precious these moments are, don't live with regrets. have a good summer guys. by the way, i have been fobbified! listening to madd chinese songs. this one is by j.j.lin. and i miss taiwan.
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